Pedestals: Paternalism and Powerlessness

It took a lot of searching (by which I mean I’ve never actually looked), but I finally found something I can agree with pick up artists (PUAs) about:

Don’t put women on pedestals.

If you care to know what the PUA community has to say about it, you can start here, and then look at an almost reasonable argument here. The best of the PUAs are guys who want to help other guys have better relationships with women. The worst are guys who want to share their techniques for manipulating, coercing and even forcing women to have “sex” with them. You can probably guess that I don’t have a very high opinion of them. So, color me surprised that we agree on this!

In all seriousness, placing women on pedestals is just a destructive as treating them like garbage. A pedestal is just another kind of bondage and control. Pedestaling women and girls is condescending and paternalistic.

Most women I know are human, with human processes and human flaws. They burp and poop and forget an errand or two from time to time. They also can lift cars off of their kids, have babies, and generally take care of business.

Pedestaling women renders them incompetent, powerless and fetishized. Referring to the women one likes as princesses and queens (we’ve all seen the tropes of those characters, right? Helpless and virtuous damsels in distress or terrible evildoers with chips on their shoulders. Ugh.) is a set up. Idealizing women as always virtuous, continually perfect and worthy of worship is just another way of dehumanizing them.

Humans make mistakes. Humans are not always good decision-makers, humans sometimes play Candy Crush instead of watching their kids play soccer, humans miss deadlines, humans feel sadness, grief and terror, and humans sometimes forget important things.

Humans also wash dishes, cook meals, get the project done on time, run marathons, experience joy, love and excitement, give birth, write blogs and generally rock.

Women, who are roughly half of all humans, succeed and fail every day. Sometimes we need help, sometimes we don’t. But assuming a woman needs help, needs protection or “saving” is assuming that women are less than men, can’t survive without men, and need protection by men.

Which just isn’t true, or well, helpful.

Idols on pedestals are not human, they are static and uncomplicated; void of emotion and mistakes. They don’t succeed or fail, they are powerless objects.

Treating women well is about respecting their autonomy, their choices and their humanity. That has nothing to do with a pedestal, and everything to do with equity.

12 Ally-Actions: On Being a Male Ally

Recently, I was asked to present to a class of junior level social workers about engaging men in the movement of ending gender-based violence (GBV).¹  The professor requested that I be inclusive of what it meant specifically to be a male-ally. This is when I thought that I really should put together a collaborative list of ally-actions to share with the men we speak with, to share what I’ve asked and learned. More specifically, I wanted to have an easy reference point or a place for men to do their (our) own research about male-allyship in ending men’s violence, within the realm of feminist work. The list that we came up with below is non-exhaustive, is fluid and changing and will be linked to more detailed explanations and ally-actions in future blogs.

By definition, an ally is an individual who is not a member of a particular marginalized identity but behaves in such a way that supports an individual or group, who are systemically devalued and/or oppressed. These purposeful and supportive ally-actions are achieved through very specific, purposeful and intentional actions. A pro-feminist male-ally specifically seeks to enhance and promote the impartial and equitable treatment of women and girls, in a society and culture that overwhelming proves to do her harm, degrade her, devalue her actions and life, victimize her, oppress and murder her. Often, these treacherous acts are on the hands and in the actions of men and boys. While most men and boys do not rape and murder women, the perpetrators of these specific crimes are statistically and overwhelmingly, men and boys.

While most men and boys don’t commit rape and murder, many men and boys do support the culture of sexism, misogyny and even rape and murder. It is critical for other men and boys to step up in allyship to counter this culture, but this is a topic for another day.

As *men and masculinities who embrace feminist/pro-feminist perspectives, it becomes an individual and ethical responsibility to use privileges and unearned resources to challenge and change a system that affords certain individuals (in this case, men) advantages over other individuals (in this case, women). It becomes the ethical responsibility of pro-feminist/feminist men and masculinities to bring pro-feminist thought and conversations, to the spaces he already unjustifiably dominates, rather than attempt to make more space for himself within the feminist movement. These actions are critical and important in being a positive and responsible male-ally. At times, specific ally-actions appear to counter his individual and personal self-interests, at least on the surface. These are actions that are rarely (if ever) perfectly applied and are non-exhaustive; however, in any socially-just movement we need a stepping off point, a place a reference.

It’s critically important to meet men where they are when attempting to engage him in ending GBV. This is sometimes a complicated undertaking and the experiences of activists aren’t identical in every instance, nor should it be with such a diverse population of people. Yet, once men are on board, once he is willing to minimally entertain the relinquishment of power and privilege in the plight of justice, once empathy is reached and sustained, it then becomes his task to move beyond bystander inaction and into the actual action of behaving as a responsible and active ally. It’s not a leisurely or relaxed journey. There’s not a definitive end point that essentially results in ally-status. These are supportive and purposeful actions, not an identity, and must become an individual and collective, continuous practice among pro-feminist/feminist male-allies. It’s worth repeating that this is not a one time behavior that results in carrying good guy status amoungst women, these are specific behaviors, repeatedly practiced, cyclical actions, a journey.

It’s work, man! Well, it’s not really work, it is a process and it takes effort and willingness. The actions below are truely more of a baseline for acceptable behavior for people in general. Following this as a baseline doesn’t afford you exceptional merit or make you a really great guy, it makes you a decent human being and a part of the solution.

It means gaining an understanding of one’s own male-privilege, and even more importantly, it means understanding how this asinine, un-asked-for, fucking-male-privilege, is related to the oppression, degradation and MURDER of women and girls. This is not simple or easy to accept, it’s not always easy or simple to practice. Yet, it is crucial. These actions are in support of all women and girls that populate this planet who deserve equal opportunity and respect. Women and girls who have just as much worth and as much value. It’s critical for the women and girls in our country, in our cities and in our collective global lives. The actions listed below are applicable with adaptation to an ally of many marginalized groups. Although in this case, these actions are specifically written to engage male-allies, from a pro-feminist lens.

Future links will be added to more detailed explanations of each ally-action and other resources.

12 Ally-Actions: ON BEING a MALE-ALLY

Action 1: On believing, respecting and listening to women’s lived-experiences. Look man, I know you have an opinion on just about everything, we all do, but in supportive allyship you simply listen and respect when women share their own personal experiences about injustice. It’s something you can never understand as a cisgender man as a result of male privilege. You may be able to draw a connection through another marginilized point of reference; however, you don’t understand systemic sexism through the eyes of a woman. You can do your best through active listening and resisting the urge to demand (or even request) she produce proof of inequality or evidence to support her claims of discrimination. Transmen share different expereinces of course; however, no one has the right to audit the lived-experiences of margilized folks sharing their experiences of injustice, ever.

Actions 2: On challenging other men to step up and avoiding the ‘White Knight’.
Unfortunately, men have a ridiculous amount of cultural power and influence. Because of this precise advantage, it becomes an ethical obligation that men specifically challenge other men to step up to the plate in confronting sexist violence and oppression. This is particularly important to do while personally owning the problem. What I mean is that a male-ally speaks out on his own behalf. He speaks out, not in an effort to protect or speak on the behalf of women, he speaks out because violence against women affects and offends him. Women have been speaking out and protecting themselves from violence for a really long time. She doesn’t need a man to step in and save the day, we do need to stand in solidarity and collaboration, because gender inequality really does affect us all.

Action 3: On acknowledging and respecting women’s leadership in general and with children.
It’s sometimes difficult for men to take leadership from women, to listen to women and to take women seriously. Men and boys have been systematically trained not to. It’s critically important for male-allies to seek the perspectives of women, to listen to the voices of women in leadership positions, and then ask what it is that these specific women want from them as an ally. Women are not a monolyth and may need/want different things from men that are engaged in this work. This is critically important for young people to see happening if we want to create an experience where all people are valued.

Action 4: On resisting the temptation to get defensive.
This one is particularly challenging in working with men and boys. Generally, as he is exposed to more evidence of his own privilege, he is faced with a mix of blame, defensiveness, curiosity, guilt and denial. I do believe that men instinctively know and often refuse to acknowledge that gender-based violence is in fact, men’s violence. Sometimes the violence is directed at women and sometimes other men; however, it is in fact men’s violence. As a result he may respond by feeling blamed. He may feel guilt over ways that he has supported the framework of sexism. Do the work to get over it, move through it, make amends, talk to other pro-feminist men about it, lean in to it and use it as your fuel for promoting change! Your guilt is not the responsibility of women or feminists to sooth or placate.

Action 5: On doing your own research and accepting responsibility.
It’s not women’s responsibility to educate men about the issues of gender-based violence and sexism. If she chooses to engage in this work, that is her choice and not an obligation. Once a male-ally is engaged and his interest is piqued, it becomes incredibly important for him to begin to do his own research. Dude, learn about feminist history on the internet. Learn about different types of feminisms. Read books and watch films. It’s ok to ask questions, but first ask yourself, can I find this answer on my own?

Action 6: On lifting up the contributions of women
While women are an important and integral part of society, culture and history, the women of our collective communities are rarely afforded the credit, respect and recognitions that their hard work deserves. Let’s teach our children authentic women’s history, all the time.

Action 7: On understanding male privilege and challenging it.
One’s own privileges are difficult to recognize and challenging to become aware of unless you work at it. Your own privilige will likely blind you from the lived-expereinces of sexist injustices. Many of us have privileges in various forms. Whether it is male privilege, white privilege, thin privilege, the privileges associated with being able bodied or even right handed. I could go on for quite a while. For a better understanding of privilege, check out this great piece. For a candid look at male privilege, check this out, or this simple checklist.

Action 8: Take risks, man! Then be willing to learn from mistakes.
An active male-ally takes risks and is willing to make mistakes. I’ve made many mistakes. It’s hard and not easy to admit in a culture that requires that men be competitive, on their game and in control. You are going to fuck it up man! Own it. Acknowledge it. Be honest about your mistake and actively work to change. Make amends when you are able to and understand that you may or may not be forgiven and/or trusted.

Action 9: On accepting feminist suspicion and earning trust.
Feminist women are often justifiably and rationally suspicious of men who become involved in pro-feminist work, of men who challenge sexism and of men who assert that they believe in equity for women and men. Even I’m suspicious! Men have used feminism as a platform for unearned authority, to gain trust (only to eventually destroy it) and in some cases to simply gain enough credibility to ‘get laid’. It’s important for men doing this work to accept suspicion and work through it without taking it personally.

Action 10: On knowing when to follow and when to lead.
Being an ally is knowing when and how to take the lead or when and how to follow. It’s important for men to respect the space of feminist women leaders who have been doing this work for a really long time. If there is a place where men can be in a leadership role, it’s within the realm and in the work of engaging men in ending violence against women. In this work it is important for young men and boys to see other men taking women seriously and valuing her leadership. It’s a delicate balance and critically important to be aware of.

Action 11: On feminist and personal accountability.
One of the ways that I define leadership is in the ability to remain accountable to one’s personal beliefs and social responsibilities. For pro-feminist male-allies it is even more important to find, seek and listen to feminists in his community that are already doing work toward gender equity. Find out what is already being done and who is doing it. Ask what ways you can supplement this work. Check in with the progress of the work you are doing.

Action 12: On understanding, promoting and fostering visions of healthy manhood and masculinity/s.
I’m not the biggest fan of using the language, healthy masculinity, although I’m very aware of the importance of the work that is being done around healthy masculinity as a concept. Eventually this will link to a more detailed description about what I’m talking about; however, this is the short-hand version here:

First, Identify and notice unhealthy aspects of masculinity and work to heal from within; as well as with and amongst other men and masculinities doing the same work individually and collectively. Start with learning what hegemonic masculinity is and then begin to look for ways that healthier models are being achieved. It’s more than a simple academic exercise in education surrounding the issue and it will involve replacing risky and violent behaviors with attitudes that respect the individual self and others. There are a number of resources to look into.

Brown Boi Project, Men’s Work, Men Can Stop Rape, Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP)

Then, learn to foster within yourself and promote empathetic responses to injustice.

In conclusion, take it to the next step! Learn the skills necessary to constructively confront and challenge unhealthy masculine attitudes and behaviors in ways that effectively dismantle the foundation of oppression and violence.

In Oakland County Michigan? Bring Mentors in Violence Prevention to your high school, men’s group, fraternity, university campus, organization or leadership group. Or attend this years National Conference on Men and Masculinities in Detroit, MI!

Other Great Resources and References to Study

What men Can Do, Shakesville

On the Fixed State Ally Model vs. Process Model Ally Work, Shakesville

There is all kinds if material out there, go look for it!

Citations and Textual References

1. Gender-based violence (GBV) in this context is violence primarily against women based on women’s subordinate status in society and culture. Without the current heterosexist patriarchal foundation, this type of violence has little structural foundation. This violence and domination is supported in many cultures by traditional beliefs, norms and social institutions that legitimize violence as something that is inevitable and justifiable.

GBV has two major functions. It maintains inequity where men have political power, social/cultural control and economic access and domination. It polices and brutally punishes folks who do not conform to rigid and traditional gendered norms. This includes members of the LGBTQIA communities.

GBV includes a number of various forms of violence, including but not limited to: domestic/dating violence, sexual abuse and harassment, rape, sexual slavery and sex crimes, human trafficking, forced pregnancy, forced marraige, honor killing, genital mutilation and femicide to name a few.

2. Reaching Men: Strategies for Preventing Sexist Attitudes, Behaviors and Violence, Rus Ervin Funk

What We’ve Been Reading

Disenfranchisement is (still) a civil rights issue.

A Brief History of “Women Aren’t Funny.”

Jason Collins is not the first pro-athlete to come out.

One of the many reasons that Law and Order: SVU needs to just go away.

Mad Men and white privilege [spoiler alert]

What is a Fat Activist?

Fat bias at the doctor’s office.

Butch women and misogyny.

On Sheryl Sandberg and “Leaning In”.

What do you think about Dove’s new “Real Beauty” video?

 

What are you reading/writing this week?

Again with the Feminists are Ugly BS? Whatever, Dude.

I hope it’s clear I don’t give a shit.

Content note for foul language, misogyny and body policing. Double up on the foul language note.

A while ago, I came across this wretched piece at Return of Kings (content note for misogyny and body policing) and made the joke in the office that I was surprised to not be on the list. Of course, I am nowhere near as well-known as the women on the list (except in my own mind). But something kept nagging at me about the article, and I went back to it last week and shared it on my Facebook with a comment about my sadness for not being included, as well as noting that the writer wasn’t trying very hard if those were really the ugliest feminists he could find.

My friends and I had a good time making fun and tearing it apart, and it’s been sitting with me ever since. I’ve written before about how misogynist men think that the ultimate insult to hurl at a woman is to tell her she is “unfuckable”, and a close second is that she is incapable of having children. For men who see women’s worth as either being tied to their sexual appeal/availability or their potential for motherhood, the absence of those two things render a woman useless. Ugly, in the case of this article, is just another word for “unfuckable”, and consequently, useless.

I won’t spend time extolling the value of each of the woman on that list: for me, their humanity is what gives them value. I don’t even want to spend time discussing what true beauty is, or how this writer is full of shit in many ways. I could do both, but today I have a different point.

Health coach Golda Poretsky, on her blog, Body Love Wellness, just did this great piece on the Deep Spiritual Practice of Not Giving a Shit. This is also a spiritual practice I share, because, to paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, whether I do something or not, people will criticize me. “I don’t give a shit” is my number one self-care practice, because I don’t want other people’s opinions of me or my actions to control my choices. That’s inauthentic, and not who I want to be.

This brings me to my point about the “ugly feminists” post. And this is fairly personal, and me-focused, just FYI.

I don’t care who or why someone might think I am ugly, or “unfuckable”. I don’t get up in the morning seeking the approval of people who don’t like me anyway.  I don’t go to bed at night that way either. I am especially not in the game of seeking the approval of men for how I look, whether or not I am a parent, or anything else. I have no compunction about it, either. I don’t care to be “fuckable” by the standards of a misogynist man.

Misogynist men take umbrage with the not-caring. Their expectation is that I will be deeply hurt by the designation of “unfuckable” and I will consequently do whatever it takes to move into the “fuckable” category ASAP, which includes subjugating my own needs and desires.

It usually happens like this:

1. Random Misogynist Man designates me “unfuckable” because I am fat, have hairy legs, don’t wear make-up, won’t make him a sandwich, have an opinion, am smart, etc.
2. I don’t notice, because I don’t care. My behavior toward said man doesn’t change.
3. Random Misogynist Man gets upset, takes it personally (or something), and accuses me of being a man-hating feminist.
4. I continue to not care or modify my behavior, thoughts or beliefs.
5. Random Misogynist Man calls me more names. Maybe threatens me with rape or other violence.

I’ve noticed this in more general ways too. When women center their own lives and the lives of other women, they are immediately suspect and immediately an acceptable target for threats and vitriol, even if that is only calling them misogynist slurs on the internet (see: any feminist blog ever).

In the words of the President, let me be clear: not caring about someone’s opinion of me doesn’t mean that I don’t value that person as a human being. It should go without saying that I do. Not seeking the approval of men for my looks, clothes, taste in music, opinions, etc. doesn’t mean that I hate men. It means that other folks, men included, don’t get to control my choices, which, quite frankly, no one should expect me to defend.

And if they do, I don’t give a shit.

What We’ve Been Reading

Help Fund a Documentary on the New Jersey Four

Pennsylvannia town tells DV survivors to “shut up or get out.”

Jill Abramson, new editor in chief of the NYT, facing some sexist stereotyping.

Gradient Lair is some trenchant writing, y’all.

Why Isn’t There More Media Coverage of the West Explosion?

 

Your turn! Post ‘em in the comments.

Just Be a Decent Human Being: How to Act on a Date

A couple of days ago in a meeting, one of my colleagues mentioned that a former client had suggested we run a screening/matchmaker service where we investigate men and give them a “no abuse” guarantee in order to be eligible dating partners. I jokingly (not) said I’d love to run that program.

There is so much information out there telling women how to be the woman he wants to marry, and so much information out there teaching men how to be cads, there seems to be a gap in information about how to be a decent guy, whether or not it gets you laid. I’ve looked.

Young men receive lots of messages about “no means no”, but are we really setting the bar that low? If the standard for being a decent man is not being a rapist or a batterer, our expectations need a tune up.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am not part of the hetero dating pool, so perhaps I don’t wield the best barometer of what it means to be a decent man when dating. I do, however, understand what it means to be a decent human being.

Being a decent human being translates into how to be decent man fairly well, I think.

My dream for this to be as simple as saying, “Don’t be an asshole,” but that seems to be too complex of a directive for a lot of people. So, here are some tips for *how* to not be an asshole:

1. Listen; don’t just wait for your turn to talk. If you want someone to know you’re interested in them, actually listening to the words they are saying is big step toward that.
2. When you talk about other women in your life, whether it’s your mom or an ex-girlfriend or your boss or sister, use their names. It should go without saying to not use misogynist slurs, but actually using their names is the respectful thing to do. Conveying that you respect other women will convey that you respect your date as well.
3. Never make assumptions about what your date wants. Never. Ask, and let her speak for herself.
4. Dating is not a quid pro quo game. She doesn’t owe you anything if you buy dinner, but you don’t owe her dinner either.
5. Don’t play any “pick up artist” games. If all you want to do with your date is have sex, be up front about it. You might get rejected, but you might also hear an enthusiastic “YES!” Either way, the moral thing to do is to be honest.
6. Lastly, and most importantly, be authentic. Don’t lie, don’t manipulate, just be natural. Even if your authentic self is a total dork with poor social skills, someone will find you completely adorable.

There’s another side to this coin, too: how to tell if the dude you are on a date with is a decent human being.
1. How does he treat waitstaff? Is he polite to the servers, or does he bark at them and snap his fingers? If he leaves the tip, did he tip well?
2. Ask him to tell you how his last relationship ended. If he doesn’t talk about his ex-girlfriend with respect, he likely won’t respect you either.
3. Does he talk over you, or does he listen to what you have to say?
4. Does he respect your choices, no matter how small they may seem (you wanted Thai food, but he asks to meet you at the Olive Garden, or you want white wine but he orders you red while you are in the bathroom)?
5. Is he playing “pick up artist” games-like following a compliment with a subtle insult, or making lots of sexual innuendos, or is he honest about his intentions?
6. How does he handle rejection? If you don’t want to have a drink after the movie, how does he respond to that?
7. Does he ever let his dork flag fly, or is he too suave to be real? That dork flag needs to fly, no one is that dude from the Dos Equus commercials.

Are you in the dating pool? What works for you? What are your gauges of decency? How do you let someone know you aren’t an asshole?

What We’ve Been Reading

AK Press is soon releasing an awesome looking radical handbook for youth, contributors include Mia Mingus, Michelle Alexander, and Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha.

Andrea Gibson cancelled her performance at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival because of their policy that excludes trans women.

Kick off Sexual Assault Awareness Month with “Surviving in Numbers”

On the Fixed State Ally Model vs. Process Model Ally Work

Un-Memorizing the “Silence Is Sexy” Date Script

Muslim women send message to Femen.

Five ways Talib Kweli can become a better ally to women in hip hop.

Ok, for real this time, what have ya’ll been reading?

Feminist Dude Checklist #5: Becoming a Male Mentor

I seriously don’t remember a considerable amount from my childhood; however, the memories that I do recollect are particularly vivid and clear. It’s truly an exceptionally peculiar phenomenon. Entire sections of my childhood and adolescence are wholly blank. Even more recent sections of years in my adult history are sometimes completely lost and/or hazy, as though the period of time never occurred or was a dream. It can sometimes be frustrating, and at other times, a reprieve. What is truly amazing is my ability to recall particular moments in my personal narrative with a vivid clarity, like watching a movie, except, you feel as though you can also smell and taste the experience.

On to the point of my story.

When I was six years old, I vividly recall, being told by a boy I was playing with, girls can’t play football. I recall a profound confusion. I remember the scent of the dying grass on an unclaimed plot of suburban Detroit that we were playing on. I recall the sensation of the cool autumn air on my skin, and I also remember that there was wet, cold dirt on my hands and under my torn and ragged nails.

When I was eight or nine, I remember my grandfather giving his two grandsons each ball caps from the top of the coat closet, and then granting nothing to his granddaughter. I recall a profound perplexing discontent, disappointment and even a controlled rage. I can still see the beams of sun sneaking in through the crack of the trailer door in front of the closet and landing lightly on the floor in front of me where I waited expectantly. I recall the uncomfortable scratch of the c arpet that I was kneeling upon.

I remember in elementary school, our class being divided by gender. The boys were permitted to play sports and to run about the playground, the girls were allowed to craft and make art in the class room. I remember desiring to do the opposite of what I was assigned and feeling perplexed and angry about why I wasn’t allowed. I recall anticipation and discontent. A similar occurrence repeated itself in middle school, when all the girls were required to take home economics.

When I was fifteen, I distinctly remember an older, jaded and retired Army Sergeant Major, and then JROTC instructor, informing me that if women ever made it through Army RANGER school that he would permanently remove his own RANGER designation. I recall a profound outrage and stoic containment of emotion. I remember the old yellowed flooring and pine insipidness lingering, of dirty water and recently mopped tile.

When I was nineteen, an identity that I deeply care about was rather literally laughed out of a job interview, and offered a secretarial position, because women supposedly couldn’t handle the landscaping equipment. The riding mowers in particular. I recall a profound exasperation. I can still smell the cut grass, hear their laughter and I energetically sense and recall her deeply personal humiliation.

I can do this all day. The incidents described above are not actually renditions of individual experiences that are isolated and solely a personally lived-encounter. Children encounter and internalize these kinds of gendered messages every single day. These messages are sometimes insidious and indirect, often obvious and overt. These messages come from parents, teachers, peers and overwhelmingly these messages come in the form of increasingly violent and degrading media. The examples that I gave are mild in contrast to the things that we learn about gender on television, in movies and on the internet. They wound women and girls and subsequently devalue them as we put more worth into activities and characteristics that are typically assigned to the male sex. If we devalue women’s worth, does it not become more readily accessible and easier to abuse, torture, kill or oppress women? Does it not become effortless to justify wage disproportion or to blame them for their own rape? These messages also injure men and boys who do not conform to these expectations, or find conformity difficult. His manliness is called into question if he should desire to craft rather than run, jump and perform competitively. He is called a, pussy, if he is uninterested in behaving in ways that are traditionally a part of hegemonic masculinity. While this is supposedly offensive to men and boys, it is particularly insulting to women and girls. He may get into more fights and perform more aggressively in order to secure his manly position. He may become more prone to risky behaviors and/or engage in self-harm as his merit is called into question if he chooses more conventionally feminine (read womanly) characteristics and traits.

Ya know, like being a complex human being.

This isn’t to say that all my memories are singularly chock full of disappointment, grief and despair, over gendered experiences. These few recollections are merely the most relevant to this particular exercise in personal awareness-building and consciousness-raising. When will it change? When will we no longer enforce a gendered dichotomy upon children that narrowly defines who they are allowed to become, and instead embrace a full range of human complexity and encourage the strengths and attributes of individual children and grown-ups alike?

Our society’s young people should be able to look up to, model, and learn from profeminist men and *masculinities that are willing to live freely, with compassion and within a full range of human complexity. We need to see men with the courage to be emotional, to love, to have compassion and who engage in conflict resolution, rather than unnecessary competition. They also need men and masculinities that are willing to proclaim a pro-feminist position without shame. They need to see men who respect women and participate in an an equitable power distribution in relationships with one another (romantic and otherwise). Men who embrace ethical solutions, who celebrate intersecting identities, and who take women seriously. Men who seek consent and are willing to educate other young men and boys about enthusiastic and participatory, yes means yes, kind of sexual consent.  Period.

I’m confident that wherever you live, if this is something that you are interested in, there is abundance of opportunities to mentor, through a number of various organizations, schools, programs and even with the young people in your family and friends lives.

If you are in Michigan, and are seriously considering becoming a pro-feminist Male Mentor.

Or become a Male Mentor at HAVEN of Oakland County, Michigan, and work specifically in providing a non-violent role model for children who have witnessed family violence.

Profile of a (R)evolutionary: Grace Lee Boggs

Ed note: This is a guest post written by Marcia Lee who is a writer and restorative justice activist in Detroit, MI. 

Grace Lee Boggs is a 97-year old woman who has lived through every social movement of the 20^th Century.  She has published books that have been translated into many languages and continues to write a weekly column for the Michigan Citizen.  She has received numerous honorary degrees including doctorates from the University of Michigan, Wooster College, Kalamazoo College, and Wayne State University.  She was the first to translate some of Marx’s economic and political manuscripts of 1844 into English. Grace participated deeply from the March on Washington to now as Detroiters fight for democracy in our own city. She has been a part of and an inspiration for many projects in Detroit from Kevin of Singing Tree arborist business to the people who are currently working on starting the Boggs Education School.  So what is it that makes this woman relevant to our struggles as individuals and a community today?  Why are people coming from all over the world to learn from her?

Some people come because of her connections with Marxist, C.L.R. James.  Others because they see Detroit as an epicenter of the new U.S. (r)evolution.  Still others because she is 97, “still has all of her marbles” (as she says), and has lived through decades of life that most of us have never had the privilege to see other than in our history books.  I think that these experiences and focus does make her relevant; however, I think that the secret to her life that many people are seeking to find in their own is that throughout her life, she has maintain a great curiosity for the world, a strong sense of commitment to her community, and a willingness and openness to change.

On Grace’s 95th birthday (from left) Marcia Lee, Grace Lee Boggs, Grace Lee

I first met Grace when I was 20 and just started to come to Detroit because of work being done with the Asian Pacific Islander American community there and as a member of a spring break trip to Detroit.  Since that time she has become the equivalent of my grandmother in Detroit.  Throughout the years that I have known her, I have seen many people come to her looking for answers, and she reminds them that they have their answers within themselves in the context of their community.   She inspires me because of her stubborn tenacity to growth and to challenge other people to grow.  Grace has never lost her fervor for learning new things and pushing her own and other’s growing edges.  This is really what makes her relevant today.

Most recently, Detroit was forced by the governor of Michigan to lose our democracy through an emergency financial manager.  Instead of feeling defeated, Grace recently excitedly told me that with the forcing of the emergency financial manager, we now have an opportunity to create our own community councils.  She said that this is an important time on the clock of the world for (r)evolution, right here in Detroit and that we have what it takes to do it.

Grace and the people at the Boggs Center talk about the idea of ‘reimagining.’  They invite people to take their current situation and experiences and grow their own soul and the soul of their community not only with their heart and hands, but with their imagination.  What would be possible if we no longer saw ourselves as victims, but full participants our own lives in the context of all of creation?

This is our calling, no matter or age, race, gender, class, sexual orientation, we are called to take in our reality as it is, in the present moment, add in our experiences and the wisdom of our own and others, and re-imagine a future that is based on the values that most build a holistic community, from the inside out.  Then we are invited to live as if.  Live as if all that we believe in is true, shift and grow with new experiences and information, and invite others to do the same.

This is Grace Lee Boggs.

Members of the Detroit Asian Youth Project and Detroit Summer – two groups that Lee Boggs helped start.

Dismantling the Patriarchy: Thriving as an Ecosystem

Molly Tamulevich is a long time animal advocate and scholar. An animal studies fellow at Michigan State University, she has written about the intersection of animal and human marginalization for stubbydog.org. She currently makes guacamole at Whole Foods and dreams of a day when she can get paid to work outside with a pack of dogs. Molly is also a consultant at the Animals and Society Institute, a think tank that supports practice to address the relation between animal cruelty and other violence and promotes action to protect animals through the adoption of ethical, compassionate public policy. She shares her home with one human, two rats and two guinea pigs.

[content note: violence against women, violence against animals, de-humanization, marginilization]

It’s a well-known fact among scholars and activists alike that violent people are often violent towards animals¹. Popular culture has imprinted the notion on our collective brains that a serial killer often begins his career by torturing animals, that a trail of mutilated furry (or scaly, or slimy) bodies is a sure-fire way to find the next Manson or Bundy. Here’s the deal, though. When we think of animal mutilation, abuse, or harm as the first step in an escalating progression, we ignore the fact that it is in itself a terrible act. As feminists, we need to redefine animal abuse as family abuse and expand our sphere of compassion and care to encompass the lived experience of non-human animals. By doing so, we can exercise our non-binary thinking and honor the joy, pain and worthiness of others, thereby setting an example for those around us both personally and professionally. Therefore, I’d like to put forward an alternative way of thinking about how a feminist ethic can and should incorporate the stories of animals as we advocate for the inclusion of all marginalized voices.

Many of us are already well versed in intersectionality. We acknowledge that the various ‘isms’ of the world, racism, sexism, gender bias, homophobia, classism, are all part of the same mindset that classifies groups into categories that eventually become oppressed or oppressive. We recognize that there’s something wrong when a serial killer who murders women of color, low income people, and sex workers is not pursued rigorously or granted much media coverage. We read articles about how the Sandy Hook shootings received non-stop attention while the ever-growing number of children dying of gun violence in Chicago is not sensational enough for national news. We know that where an individual falls on the spectrum of social acceptability and importance drastically affects the likelihood that they will suffer violence and find a way to escape that violence- and yet, even after reading and researching and advocating for years, I still find myself reluctant to raise my hand and stammer, “What about the animals?” for fear of judgment.

Before you judge me for what many have called ‘misplaced priorities’, *I would like to remind us that a serious connection to animals has been a part of many healthy cultures who, without slipping into the noble savage trope, learned to live on this planet in a way that allowed them to thrive as part of the ecosystem- not apart from it. The origin stories of many cultures begin something like this: “A long time ago, there was a creature on this Earth, and from the adventures and realizations and children of that creature, our culture was born. Our bodies are made of the plants and animals and ether of the Earth; they are an integral part of who we are. The community of life on this planet is intimately connected.” This sentiment is echoed in social science, where scholars such as Donna Haraway have declared that human beings are not a species apart from others; we are a site of life, a conglomeration of bacteria colonies, viruses, DNA intermingling with the plants and animals who we encounter through daily life and evolution. In less esoteric terms, human beings are not a closed system; we share saliva and germs and food sources with our family, friends and strangers, whether they are human or not. In the words of Whitman, we contain multitudes. We must be careful, then, of the exceptionalism trap- the thinking that has, for years, segregated women, minorities and, I would argue, other species, into categories that are deemed more or less deserving of care. This is the thinking that starts with, “It’s just a….”. Just a bitch, just a slut, just a dog, just a kid, just trash. When someone is “Just a” they cease to be a she or he or zim or hir and become inanimate, unimportant.

Many people object to animal activism because they believe that animal issues should only be addressed after human needs are met. A woman once told me that she would care about animals once all the starving children were safe. I believe that this binary thinking and species-based hierarchy is counterproductive. Animals, women and other oppressed groups have long suffered the same mistreatment. For an in-depth examination of the parallels between the objectification of animals and the objectification of women, Carol Adams’ A Sexual Politics of Meat is a must-read. Essentially, she argues that women and animals, particularly animals used for food, are reduced to their parts and their services. When any living being is viewed as a tool to be used, their needs are easy to explain away and violence against them is easily justified. Feminist thinking reminds us that everyday stories are important, that patriarchal accounts of history have systematically devalued the worth of anyone who does not support the dominant narrative of Man conquering Nature. The nature-culture debate has objectified women and animals similarly, pitting them against Culture, Progress and Development in ways that have led many to attempt a separation from our animal brothers and sisters and use the obvious physical differences that divide us as a jumping off point to justify human exceptionalism and superiority. This tactic, however, has been dangerous in the past and continues to be dangerous today.

Throughout the history of civil rights, there have been episodes of inclusion and episodes of exclusion. The women’s movement has an ugly history of racism, the fight against racism of homophobia, the gay rights movement of transphobia. In the quest for legitimacy, our activism seems to splinter. We have historically made choices about who to include in order to gain public support for our cause. Until recently, animals have been considered a low priority, an indulgence taken up by those who care more for other species than our own. Even within the sphere of animal advocacy, certain breeds and species are prioritized in order to gain public support: A pit bull’s euthanasia will likely spark less sympathy than a golden retriever’s, a mouse’s death less than a cat’s. An act of cruelty toward a hamster may be the source of jest, while the child who witnesses the act may be deeply traumatized because they have not yet learned that their pet was “just a”.

In the domestic violence prevention movement, inclusion is particularly important.Recent studies have shown that many adults who commit violent crimes witnessed animal abuse as children². Additionally, women in abusive situations often delay leaving due to fears that an abuser will harm their animals. If the needs of animals are not accounted for and their well-being is not considered, everyone in the family may suffer. Domestic violence does not follow a precise model; its fingers close around many throats at once. It is important, then, that the recognition of non-human animals as thinking, feeling beings worthy of protection from harm gains momentum. Too often, those who discredit the importance of animals do so by belittling people who care about them, snidely insinuating that caring about animals is feminine, soft, and therefore, illegitimate. As feminists, we are advocates for those whose stories have been pushed to the side. We must recognize that violence against animals is violence against us all. We must speak up however we can. In the words of William Ralph Inge, “Deliberate cruelty to our defenceless and beautiful little cousins is surely one of the meanest and most detestable vices of which a human being can be guilty.” Kindness and all its rippling effects is a value that we can certainly champion, and one that we can practice each day with every person and animal that we meet.

Citations and Textual References

[1] Animal Abuse, Family Violence, and Child Wellbeing: A Review Samara McPhedran
Journal of Family Violence Volume 24, Number 1 (2009), 41-52,
DOI: 10.1007/s10896-008-9206-3

Child abuse, domestic violence, and animal abuse: Linking the circles of compassion for prevention and intervention, FR Ascione, P Arkow – 1999

[2] Examining the links between animal abuse and human violence Clifton P. Flynn Crime, Law and Social Change Volume 55, Number 5 (2011), 453-468,
DOI: 10.1007/s10611-011-9297-2

The impact of an abusive family context on childhood animal cruelty and adult violence
Alex Duncan, Catherine Miller Aggression and Violent Behavior Volume 7, Issue 4,
July/August 2002, Pages 365/383

Exploring the Link between Recurrent Acts of Childhood and Adolescent Animal Cruelty and Subsequent Violent Crime Suzanne E. Tallichet,
Christopher Hensley, Criminal Justice Review September 1, 2004 29: 304-316

* Nelson, Melissa K. Original Instructions: Indigenous Teachings for a Sustainable Future. Collective Heritage Institute, Inc. Rochester. 2008